If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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