i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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