Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
