I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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