just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
