She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
