I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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