was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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