guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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