They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize