Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
