woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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