Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
