i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
