I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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