Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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