New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
