I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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