The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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