sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
