she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We left an ass print on the piano.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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