drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
