I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
