Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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