I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
