The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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