you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
