You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
