I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
