I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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