i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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