Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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