I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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