if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
