he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
