everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
