I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize