please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
