she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
