im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
