i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
