dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
