I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
