So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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