i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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