goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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