Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
