oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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