fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
