Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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