I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
