I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
