Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The cops high fived after they tackled you
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
