You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
