I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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