The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
