I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The uberlube is also flammable
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize