i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
