Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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